Signs To Help You Identify An Abusive Relationship

 

What is domestic abuse?

DA is the intentional use of force, intimidation, or physical abuse to gain and maintain power or control over someone that is an intimate partner. And one component of domestic abuse is that one partner makes CONSISTENT EFFORTS to gain and maintain power and control over the other. 

Domestic abuse is an epidemic that occurs in all societies around the world, and it’s often accompanied by emotional abuse and other abusive behaviors, that depicts the dominance of one partner over the other.

Red flags / Warning signs:

So often when we picture dv we think about bruises, punches, and physical scars, but domestic abuse doesn’t always look that way, it can come as sweet and charming behaviors that make you feel loved, and you may not notice the things your partner does to control you. 

Domestic abuse is beyond bruises and battered faces, domestic abuse can constitute financial abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse (which can be deep and internal and is as deadly as physical abuse), but the popular one is physical abuse because it has physical evidence.

In domestic abuse, the abuse is intensified when the abuser knows he is in a permanent relationship with his victim.

At the start, they buy you gifts and make you develop feelings for them, they make you feel like you’re their entire world, but this is because they are trying to win you over and gain your trust; they want your world to revolve around them. 

P.S: Romance and gifts is NOT often a sign of abuse, but an abuser will often use these things to distract you so they can earn your trust and then start controlling you. 

Possessiveness & Control 

Some people come into your life and change the direction of your life with a negative u-turn. They restrict you in every area of life and build a wall between you and your purpose.

• They buy you gifts to please you and slowly creep into your life. They do this to earn your trust and also make you feel indebted to them. And once they notice you’ve let your guards down, they begin to control and, and you become afraid of leaving them because of how indebted you feel to them. 

• They watch you when you’re out and want to know every single action you take. They’re like monitoring spirits. This is usually the first red flag, but sometimes because you are so immersed, you seem to think that it’s cute and you describe their overt jealousy as love when it is not. If this sounds like your situation, please be careful not to mistake it for love. It is nothing near love. Even the Bible says love is trusting!

• He feels entitled to your body and claims ownership of it. As far as he is concerned, you don’t have a right to say NO to him when it comes to sex. This can be regarded as sexual abuse or rape! Run!

• He becomes furious if you don’t tell him your every move. 

• If you receive your salary, you must submit it to him. But he doesn’t do the same with his. 

• He takes control of your finance and determines how you spend your money (Financial abuse).

• He knows how much you earn, but you have no clue how much he earns.

• Most abusers are narcissists, for them, it is all about winning. This is why they feel bad when they feel like they’re losing their control over you or they go crazy when they’re not having their way.

• They become overly protective of their partners, and before you know it they are taking full control of their partner’s lives. And in the long run, everything about you as their partner has to come through them. They literally take the position of God in your life, and this is how you lose control of your own life and begin to live the life they have crafted for you. If you are in such a relationship look at these signs early enough, and advise yourself. Take the bold step and leave that relationship while you can! If you can’t, seek help!

• As a victim of domestic abuse, you can still feel controlled even when your abuser is not there. Their absence makes no difference because they have successfully planted the seed in you mentally which automatically activates their presence inside your head even in their absence. So you still feel afraid and controlled even when he’s not there watching you because you’re afraid of their actions if they eventually find out.

• You feel guilty even though you’re not doing anything wrong.

• Abusers who are extremely controlling make it difficult for you to leave them. Because they make your life revolve around them. It takes wisdom and courage!

Isolation 

• They question you about your friends, then they start to make you feel guilty about spending time with your friends and family. And so, because you don’t want to offend him you begin to withdraw from your friends and family. They do this to isolate you from your friends and family, have you to themselves, and gain full control of your life because they are aware that if you have friends and people to talk to, they will advise you about these signs.

• They call you several times a day and make you feel like you’re cheating on them when you’re not. You may think this is cute, but they do this to the extent when they totally isolate you from everyone else and have you all to themselves, this is the beginning of isolation and that’s a huge red flag. 

• They’re very concerned about you and get upset if you miss their call: “Who did you see?” “where did you go?” and “who did you meet?” They start telling you who you should and should not go out with, and eventually start making decisions for you. And soon you’ll be asking for their approval for EVERYTHING you do. Your control over your own life will slip away as the abuser's control overshadows yours.

Self-esteem 

• You were probably a very lively, bubbly, and outgoing person, but since you met him your morale and self-esteem dropped from 100 to 0. In a healthy relationship, it should be the other way round: the person you meet helps you become your better self, hence you move from 0 to 100. If you notice that your self-esteem and self-confidence if dwindling in your current relationship, then you’re dating an abuser!

• They cage you and tame you more like an animal, but you don’t realize this. This makes you become timid day by day!

• They do everything to make you feel less than them, either by random comments, teasing you consistently, pointing out the flaws in your body, never complimenting you, etc. And you gradually begin to lose your self-worth and self-confidence. They don’t want you to feel confident in any way because that will challenge their ego. 

• They want you to give them compliments and tell them how great they look, but they don’t do the same to you. 

If you’re surrounded by the kind people who constantly make you feel less of yourself, please move! You’re not a tree!

Fault finder 

• They are nags!

• Abusers always have something to complain about. Even if there’s nothing, they create one. From the way the house is looking, to the way the spoons are placed in the kitchen. They must have something. 

• They make you feel like you’re not good at anything, but they see themselves as perfect in all areas. 

• They are very Impatient, easily irritable, often irritated by your presence and by whatever you do, especially on a bad day or when they’re not getting what they want.

Gets physical or uses abusive words on you.

• He hits you at the slightest opportunity or arguments.

• He uses threatening words such as I’ll kill you, I’ll break your head, I’ll bury you, I’ll slap you. That’s a promise from him, and he will definitely do it one day!

• He takes pride in his anger. Tells you he can kill somebody when he’s angry. You might not take it seriously until one day that ‘somebody’ becomes you!

• Some victims justify their abusers beating by saying “he was provoked”, but the truth is that in healthy relationships there are also provocations, but there are no insults or beating. So this tells you that the problem is not the provocation, the problem is the abuser's inability to control his emotions. You should be with someone who can control your emotions.

• Does he go about insulting and beating every human being that offends him on the street? No! If he can control his temper with outsiders, then he should do this with you!

• These men for example, who beat their women also have female bosses, but when disrespected by their female bosses do these same men beat them? No! 

Boundaries & Rules

• They set boundaries/rules for you but don’t keep to these boundaries themselves. For example:

• they might stop you from going out with friends, but they go out with their friends,

• He brings his visitors home; but never allows you to do the same, 

• stops you from speaking to your ex (which is not ideal in any case), but they speak to their ex, 

• stop you from using social media, but they are free to use social media, etc. This is nothing but narcissism and abuse! 

Gaslighting

• Perpetrators are often skilled in manipulation tactics. They deny any wrongdoing and make the victim feel guilt, blame, or even cause them to question their sanity. This is called ‘gaslighting’.

• Abusers always know how to guilt-trip the victim. If he’s angry he makes you think it’s your fault. They blame you for everything and expect you to make them happy and fulfill their lives for them.

• You often find yourself in a cycle of self-blame and self-doubt. 

• If you go out with friends they gaslight you and make you feel like you’re cheating on them, so to make them happy you have to cut off your friendships and let them be the only one in your life.

• He threatens to kill himself if you ever try to leave him. This is to make you feel guilty and hold you down! Run!

• They make you feel like if you just do something differently they will love you even more. They ask you to change who you are for them, but even when you do, they still demand more from you. 

• For example, you found a chat on your partner’s phone which proves that he’s cheating on you, and when you confront him, instead of taking responsibility and apologizing, he turns to you angrily and says “so you have the guts to check my phone?” Or “How dare you to monitor my movements?”

If you have this experience, just know that there’s no ‘breakfast’ bigger than this, kindly exit that relationship! 

Never apologize 

• Most abusers will hardly apologize when they’re wrong. They could buy you gifts and manipulate you in other ways to make you forget the hurt, but will hardly ever say sorry or show remorse! 

• However, some manipulative abusers will actually apologize, but they are not remorseful, they know deep down that their apology is just lip service to get you back again, and they know that they will definitely hurt you again! They know!

FEAR

Your partner should be your friend and lover, not your lord and master. It is an aberration for you to always be afraid of your partner.

• you’re afraid to say no to your partner.

• afraid to ask him for money, because he’ll probably shout at you.

• Afraid of telling him you’re sick because he’ll say it’s your fault.

• afraid of correcting him when he’s wrong.

• He always threatens you with a breakup or divorce - he’s an abuser! (This is because most abusers make you think that you can’t do without them and that you are nothing without them. They are aware of your vulnerability, and they know that you will always stay with them, so they’ll take advantage of this). It is your responsibility to prove them wrong! Exit!

• He gets livid when you disagree with his opinion or when you’re not on his side.

• you always have anxiety when he’s coming back home, this shows that the relationship is not a healthy one. You have to break free so that you can have the freedom to breathe!

• you’re afraid to tell him how you truly feel, especially when he offends you, just because you know he’ll become angrier. 

A healthy relationship has freedom of communication. You two should be able to tell each other how you feel, without fear of beating or shouting. 

Lack empathy and he is a user!

• The sacrifice you will make for them if they were in certain situations, they won’t do the same for you. For example, you can borrow money to pay their debt or take them to the hospital, but they will rather spend their money on something else, and won’t do the same for you. 

• He hardly appreciates you or says thank you for your efforts. 

Pretense 

If he treats you so nicely in the presence of other people but becomes very unkind and insensitive when you’re both alone, he is an abuser!

“This is how he is…”

Oftentimes, victims of abuse do not realize that they’re in an abusive relationship. And this is often because abusers are mostly two-faced: cute & loving, vs controlling & oppressive. So victims keep telling themselves these things:

• He’ll change, 
• He wasn’t in a good mood that’s why he did that.
• This is just how he is, it is not abuse. 
• He loves me very much. 
• He’s just being jealous 

But don’t be deceived, he is not just being jealous, he is an abuser!

Victims feel that it is their responsibility to “make the relationship work” because they have seen their mother trying to make her abusive relationship with their father work by “tolerating” the abuse. When a victim continues to stay in an abusive relationship even when they’re aware that they’re being abused, it is described as Stockholm syndrome. 

Control, jealousy, and isolation are NOT love! And abusive behaviors will not change no matter how hard you try to change that person or how much you love that person. The person might seem like the ‘human of your dreams until they become your worse nightmare. If you see all these red flags, you are in no way obligated to stay in that relationship to see if things will get better, because it often doesn’t!

Just to add that:

The fact that you’ve been dating someone for decades doesn’t mean they’re the one for you. This is one of the reasons many ladies stay in toxic relationships. They be like: “but I’ve been with him for 10yrs now, I can’t leave him”. 

My dear, once someone is abusive, no matter the length of years, it is better to break free and give yourself a fresh start. There’s always someone better!

For perpetrators:

The thing with being an abusive partner in a relationship, especially as a man, is that you get everything you want; your wife will be loyal to and humble to you, she will not sneeze or breathe or step a foot outside without your permission, she will serve you like a king, give you everything you want, be your yes-man,  worship and adore you like a god, but she will do all of these from a place of fear instead of love. She will cook your food with fear and trembling instead of love and affection. And the consequence of that is that your life will be shortening as far as you continue to be an abusive partner, because you will be fed with your own poison, unknowing to your partner. Karma!  

Lastly, Abusers don’t change, they only change victims. Male abusive partners don’t get the counseling they need, they find a new woman who don’t know about their past, and continue in their abusive behaviors.

But why don’t victims just leave?! Find out in my next post.

Leave your comments and let me know if you found this helpful!

LinkedIn Facebook Instagram Twitter